Muffy The Troll Slayer

A trifle, light as air

Alright, for those of you unclear on the concept, a livejournal is a personal diary full of ONE person's "stream of consciousness" with all the assumptions that go with that - mostly wrong, some embarrassingly so. From the beginning I've focused on posting about myself and things that happen to me...I try my best to share my honest feelings at the time.

I can laugh at myself and my embarrassing mistakes, which makes me tolerant of others' mistakes...So long as they learn from them.

Memories ... Photos ... Tags ... Facebook ... Tribes ... Relic Forums ... Videos ... Moon Phase ... YouTube ...

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Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 02:17 am abrasions

Current Mood:

nostalgic

i was talking to the nice bartender around evening time yesterday and a waiter overhead me say something 'bad' about someone. He asked me who that person was and i wasn't exactly overjoyed he'd butted in...but, being me, i was painfully polite and reasonable about it and told him to GUESS.
Tee hee
I told him it wasn't him and he immediately wasted two of this three guesses...but he walked by me and the bartender as i was finishing up putting stuff away and he blurted out the name of the person i had been talking about (the other bartender)
The comment this waiter made to me about how he guessed it was that this other bartender was the only one that fit the bit of "pissing someone off just to get a rise out of them" (the line i'd said and he'd overheard) was that he considered the bartender to be "abrasive"

*giggles*

hmmm...oh, there's a reason i used to name names in the past. it's because a year from now i won't be able to remember the context of this entry, and is what always confused me when i would read nameless entries dating back to 2001. Because without names i can't link related entries about similar people and get my memory all fogged up about which memory i was writing about. (you know, the reason people like me write entries about stuff is to be able to look back and understand the different way i looked at the world)

but i'm fairly sure i've gotten to the point in my journal writing that i can communicate the specific point of view i want myself to remember years from now, without having to name names to tie loose ends

like say, pretend it's july 14th, 2001. or close enough. i really miss that guy...and i wish i'd written his name down. A name ties alot of memories to itself...i'm not good remembering faces...something that brings tears to my eyes when i think of angie..or trina..or emma. But i have pics of autumn *sigh* love ya autz.
Anyways, the point i'm trying to make is that one builds a picture of someone slowly, and in some critical cases the way one thought about someone initially is very very important to one's current sanity. and sifting through entries years later it's really hard to piece the puzzle together without naming everyone...because you never know if one random entry might add up overtime into a collage that's very very helpful in remembering the past in a new light. Because sometimes i'd felt really guilty about something one day and discovered the next month i'd been played as a fool...stuff like that is hard to pin down when there's so many different impressions one writes down about various people one hardly knows yet.
And that my dear readers is more important than safeguarding the privacy of others in an online diary full of random blatherings about personal info about me, not them.

Let's think about that one shall we? there was the time i'd been at a staff party where i'd taken a bunch of pictures...one picture i'd actually uploaded to my scrapbook and i'd used the first name of someone at the restaurant. Now, let's say i won the lottery tommorrow? could that person sue me the next day? I honestly don't know. let's ask my community, here
My take on it is that it was my own impression that this person i named was the only person whom EVERYONE stopped to welcome enmasse...and it was done in a way, at the time, that was complimentary and not catty in any shape or form. At least, that's the way i remembered it.
Now? oh, i refuse to take that pic down (scrapbook currently inactive because i haven't paid to reactive the account features yet) simply because whatever i uploaded or said of it was so innocent that the person whom i named was so virulently hostile towards me for doing so that i refused to even touch it. He actually demanded money from me, in front of everyone...Can you believe it? here's two pics (one of food on a table, and one of unrecognizable people) and he wanted money. Not, "i feel uncomfortable with my name and/or picture on the internet"...no. not a peep. it was all "i'm on the internet. i'm making you famous cuz i'm famous. give me my cut"
yeah, exactly, i'd go "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" too. And you wonder why i never want to work at a sleazy high end restaurant/pub again in my life. I mean, the crap i could post about these people's personal lives just blows me away that i HAVEN'T. But i don't have to prove to anyone reading my personal journal that so and so is an asshole or a nice person...i mean, if ur reading someone's personal diary you gotta understand he/she doesn't have anything to prove to themselves about their own memory. You also want them to talk about embarrassing things about themselves, no matter how explicit...because otherwise what use can it be to someone wanting to provide themselves with any sort of method for personal character development?

oh, did i mention i finally bought toothpaste after a month of going without (just a toothbrush)? i was afraid my teeth would fall out or die. lol.

like, back in 2001 there's an entry about some "jerk-off" here, and i'm curious if i either changed my mind about him, or whether i can add that entry to flesh out a picture of a real loser i once knew. I'm more interested in finding out it was a funny thing i said about someone i later liked alot and got to know better.
But i'd only use their first name...and without thorough digging you wouldn't know where I worked at the time.
So i always figured it was more useful to me than to someone potentially hostile towards me...and believe me, there's people out there who've been actively nasty towards RL people, like me, on the internet that even back then i'd been super careful about too much personal info.
I'd hard though, not to use first names. I dunno. let's see what my thread in my homeworld community turns up. I mean, i presume without full name and foreground pictures of the same person could i be sued, at all.

oh, and libel? lol. *shakes head* beyond doubt i've been more than pulling punches when it came to telling the truth and being able to prove it. See, i've researched that bit of it, and according to statistics there's been a great deal of employees being terminated for posting comments about their workplace online - and the number times lawsuits have bitten those employers in the ass for wrongful dismissal was...very comforting for my peace of mind let me tell you. lol. rock solid bedrock precedent actually.
like i could go to a lawyer tomorrow and prove to them i'd been wrongfully terminated specifically for comments made on the internet, that they twisted a letter to management into them accidentally finding it on the internet about a rag sheet i had about the industry, which they then spread far and wide in the industry as 'rumor' to blacklist me permanently. It devastated me when i went to a new career and got wrongfully dismissed over a wcb issue...i was severely depressed after that emotionally and physically (that long period of insomnia around the time of my mediation)...you have to wonder how much of that depression came from repeatedly being wrongfully dismissed for telling the truth to my employers in the past.
I don't really think i deserved all that and i don't believe it's completely my father's fault for mindfucking me. I pretty sure i ran afoul of some really bad people out there. people who really ought to be sued for maliciousness.
And the thing is, from that mediation experience, i KNOW it all falls down to (a) precedent and (b) proof. and it being beyond doubt i was fired for comments on the internet, they won't listen to arguments by either side. that's what that lawyer and all those counselors told me. judges don't give a fuck. precedent and proof...why would they waste time on reading each sides story about oh she said he said they said? It proves nothing if it's irrelevant to a decision, doesn't it?
I'm fairly sure i read somewhere in that internet comment lawsuit for wrongful dismissal about the major portion of the reward being for emotional trauma. it was fairly huge. i'm probably guessing it was successfully appealed. but yeah, i sure remember it correctly. can't find the articles anymore though...it's a certain wording to the lawsuit. i just forget that bit. heh.

I can't remember Trina's face. *cries* Haven't remembered for at least a decade, and she was my soulmate. I dearly hope she wasn't the only one but i haven't met another one in all that time. Be nice if Autumn was too, but then, if that's true, Autumn's got gazillions of soulmates. lol.

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Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 03:33 pm suffer fools gladly? or just plain dumbstruck by fools

Current Mood:

confused

Tags: career , hobby , lifestyle

i'm either a paranoid schizophrenic, or people at work were REALLY bitchy today. Was i imagining it or did i get the feeling that high school playground politics (gossip and jealousy) plays waaaay too much role in the judgment of most of my coworkers. I overhear people talking stupid bad things about me behind my back to people and the next thing i know the people who got told this shit start acting like i'm guilty and start telling me what i'm doing is what they've been told.

i mean, godstrooth (or is it godstruth or something phonetic?) anything i say is taken the worst possible way and not only none of their business sometimes (aka interupting and telling me i'm being hostile to someone else - when i just said HI) like i'm some creepy mean asshole...but also twisting any word i get wrong in a sentence into something horribly freudian like i'm some pervert.

i can only raise my eyebrows at comments like that and ask them wtf was that about? (course they always refuse to reply)

it's like they've made a decision about my motives and go about proving that by twisting everything i do into a really nasty picture. hellooooooo

maybe i'm paranoid. maybe i lack a sense of humor. but sometimes i'm pretty good at detecting who's being swayed by gossipy politics (and ocvering their own ass by agreeing with an asshole/bully) and those guys who get jealous i'm being nice to girls they wanna fuck. oh wait, guys like that think ALL girls wanna fuck THEM. must be tough beating girls off with a stick, yet complaining you can't get any cuz ur just a nice guy.

oh wait. isn't "nice" meant to be "i was just being nice" not flirty? yes, nice and having fun is 'i'm not flirting just being nice' and fun as in 'i might be flirting but that's all i'm doing' (you know, the same stuff that guys call cockteasing when girls do it)

before i tried dating, in 2005-2008, i thought "nice guys finish last" was the reason i was pathetic and unattractive. but ...no... i'm fucking nice cuz i'm not interested in doing anything but being fucking nice. Oh, sure, flirting is part of fun. i also like to joke around. i love to help people out if it doesn't inconvenience me.

After i stopped dating, without finding a partner, i'm starting to wonder why i thought "being nice" was actually me wanting to date, but being pathetic at it. I have a reason i'm single: i believe in a crazy thing like 'magic' and it's not a hobby that's made for relationships...one simply can't take me seriously...and relationships you gotta. So i'm pretty confident in the fact i haven't had a long term relationship BECAUSE my body language warns women off, not from the "nice guy" syndrome but more like common fucking sense.

either that or i'm delusional. i have to be delusional. i believe in reincarnation and this lifetime i'd doing some serious research into something nobody can take seriously and stay sane. lol?

you know what though? we all gotta die one day and someday our achievements no matter how noteworthy will eventually fade in time...guess that's why i love building sandcastles.

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Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 11:01 pm baiting at work

Current Mood:

peaceful

Tags: career , pettiness

there's this waiter at work who's a real smart ass and for some stupid reason he's been baiting me for weeks ever since i stopped talking to the bigoted bartender (couldn't stand him calling my coworkers retards)

ofc, all this baiting is explicitly done when they're confident no witnesses are around

Anyways, so i've stopped cleaning up garbage that the wait staff leave when they miss the garbage can...i stopped because if i waste time on stuff like that my coworkers have temper-tantrums. I'm not kidding. Throwing stuff around temper-tantrums. So a couple of them are Autistic, but you know what? fuck the wait staff -- I can live with letting garbage pile up all night long (barely) if it means more time spent helping my coworker in the dishpit.

So here's mr.smart ass trying to get a rise outta me cause that bartender treats me like shit (and this waiter is soooooooo brownnosing he wants in on the easy mark that is me as well) by literally dribbling bits of garbage all about the can. I'm washing my hands at the nearby sink and just turn away and ignore the waiter as he's deliberately doing this (once i can understand, but at least three times in the same sitting?) and finish washing my hands.
As i turn around the same waiter is standing there silently RIGHT BEHIND ME in a spot people usually don't stand in cause it's IN THE WAY OF THE PERSON WHO WAS JUST WASHING THEIR HANDS.
I'm not taking that shit so i brush my shoulder by his in a "hey, fuck you buddy" kind of way and boy the waiter starts gobbing off like i'm hostile and omg you wanna go? I just laff and ignore him. If he wanted to see me back down, i certainly didn't. If he wanted me to hit him or start swearing at him, i certainly didn't give him satisfaction.
That wasn't the interesting thing...the interesting thing that happened tonight was that the one person who's always cheery around me and being smart-ass with me heard my story (except she was the only person i told this to)...Guess who came back to me not 15minutes later with a wild hairy version of what happened? That's right, the same waiter.
Oh, i'm sure he was totally chuffed and used to spinning lies in order to get out of trouble...Except, i wasn't interested in him at all. I'd made my point already and didn't need to say a word. What i was interested in was the fact the only person i'd told the story to of what happened (i asked others what kind of person this waiter was and they all said "top of the list for smartasses") was this cheery waitress who's always got a smile for me.

I asked my landlady (who got me the job at this place, and who works there too) about his waitress and she agreed with me that this waitress is a total gossip who talks about people behind their back. So, yeah, i didn't know this about ms.Cheery

----

*shrug* Dealt with this kind of attitude all my adult life. Looking back, that whole 'pettiness' tagged string of episodes from The Mint was this one guy baiting me and me being foolish enough to complain to management about the shitty way he treated me. You know, broken shards of glass thrown into the garbage; me being yelled at by this punk kid...stuff deliberately done to make my life there literally hell on earth that i just had to bring to management's attention. And the kid would lie and lie...even to my face about what happened. I never buy that crap...my memory isn't THAT bad.
*giggles* So this time around I don't care what the hell the bartender and waiter try to do to me when there's no witnesses. I believe people like this treat me this way because i'm not a physical kind of guy...Except, my last job i got taught how to fight this sort of bully by a couple of really tough guys who never got bullied.

And the really funny bit? construction workers don't get into drama. why? cuz accidents happen and the cowardly fucks don't last very long. Waiting career attracts cowards like this simply because most of their job consists of bullshitting customers.

------

Solution? I did what was reasonable in the situation and it's him back to being a mealy-mouthed shithead. no change there. The change from now on is to know MsCheery is actually MsGossip and willing to backstab me simply to play both sides...so, yeah, no more openness with her that's for sure.
The nice thing is my landlady working there for like 20years. She's teeny tiny but a tough cookie. noone messes with her. I don't think she'd be too interested in having her tenant get bullied...and i don't think she'd buy a single story this waiter would tell about me. lol. But, it's not like i waste her time with drama. It was funny though to see the waiter keeping his mouth shut anytime a witness like my landlady was nearby.

anyways, i spent an hour writing this down. enough catharsis...or is it cathexis?

----

what makes me feel sorry for these people who do this kind shit is that in front of witnesses they're one person, and behind everyone's back they're another person. If they're lying to me over nothing, what chance do you think they're lying about other stuff that's way more important? yeah, they probably are. I wonder what it's like destroying the trust of every decent person around them just because they're bored?

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Jul. 7th, 2009 @ 11:28 pm add-on to last post

Tags: books , hobby

hmmm...found another intriguing snippet by Jung that reveals more than it intends. Okay, so i'm reading another appendix about Jung's primitive culture analysis and how it differs radically from western civilization. (anyone know that allusion to Gandhi?) Anyways, here's the bit where i got interested

[965] This process is called cultural development. It is, at any rate, a development of man's powers of discrimination and capacity for judgment, and of consciousness in general.

oh, that's exciting. Discrimination, Judgment AND Conscious. oh goodie...and will Jung talk about the fourth missing piece soon? A couple pages later of blather and drivel and changed subjects i give up and wander back to the entry, starting backwards...Guess what fits?

[964] Thus the orginal, suave wisdom expressed in the Pythagorean pairs of opposites became a passionate moral conflict. Nothing, however, is so apt to challenge our self-awareness and alertness as being at war with oneself. One can hardly think of any other or more effective means of waking humantiy out of the irresponsible and innocent half-sleep of the primitive mentality and brining it to a state of conscious responsibility

Well then, all that sounds mighty white of him, doesn't it? It even sounds vaguely rational and believable. Oh, i have to admit he goes to great length to say how experienced he is with case studies and worldly travels...i'll even admit i have a great deal of respect for his writings. Except when he says stuff that make me think...wait a minute...this isn't about moral conflict of war with oneself, after the magic of science bringing light to the pagan unwashed masses of amorality. No. It's about the eternal Conflict caused by Moral/Ethic because of Conflict and nothing else. And being 'moral' in and of itself IS a conflict no euphemism can obscure for long.

vowels long i&y; consonants voiced y,h,g&j

vowels short i&y (along with i/y as E); consonants s&z)

how this fits into the puzzle of what is the "unity of the personality for action" vs "discrimination of opposites" is a mystery for now. I'll keep reading in hopes of elucidating something.
And the really bizarre thing about this "missing piece" is that last post Jung also had a missing piece - also slot4.
It goes without saying that i have no clue whatsoever why Jung would throw out long words that slip so neatly into slots1,4,5 and 8 and yet be so muddled about it.

edit: 2pm next day while reading more of the same book i come across an entry saying the primitive has a moral code, thereby throwing his above theory right out the window. convenient entry is [356] but isn't an appendix, so one wonders if Jung either forgot or changed his mind...or simply says things that are convenient to his current paragraph about his beloved Libido

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Jul. 7th, 2009 @ 01:12 am hobby - jung more notes

Tags: books , hobby

[909] ... We must try to discover which phenomena result from consciously chosen motives and which are spontaneous; and it must also be established which of them are adapted, and which of them have an unadapted, archaic character.

[950] ... For instance, I took thinking, as it is generally understood, because I was struck by the fact that many people habitually do more thinking than others, and accordingly give more weight to thought when making important decisions. They also use their thinking in order to understand the world and adapt to it, and whatever happens to them is subjected to consideration and reflection or at least subordinated to some principle sanctioned by thought.

So definitely twigged to Conscious/Choice versus Spontaneity; Then there was Adaptation and a rather fuzzy opposite...unfortunately, Jung hadn't mentioned the word "adapt" prior in the speech so i was forced to keep reading until i did find an entry...and i did. So, Understanding versus Adaptation.

Is the opposite of Comedy/Tragedy more about being baroque? I doubt the word "baroque" fits into my numerology to be opposite. The only word i used in the past as the opposite of the Comedy/Tragedy drama to be Romance drama. Dunno why that thought just hit me about baroque...oh right, the archaic character Jung was fuzzy about. hmmm...but that's just pure speculation about 'romance' on my part. It probably would be better if i researched the ancient humors, Sanguine in particular since all i can think of when they say bloody is just that. lol

going completely off topic, but still about Jung, this sort of quote below is where i think Jung might not really know wtf he's talking about when it comes to placing the right peg in the right hole.

[953] ... When we think, it is in order to judge or to reach a conclusion, and when we feel it is in order to attach a proper value to something

Judgment to me is very much about feelings and Passion, according to my numerology hobby; As for thinking (Reason) it has more to do with Value than feeling ever had. Since this passage came on the heels of Jung saying both are rational functions and that's what they have in common, makes me suspect he got all muddled with his semantics.
All that matters to me is that he coined the functions. he can blather all he wants. the more the better to glean something...better than nothing.

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Jul. 5th, 2009 @ 12:48 am I think therefore I am...yeah....no

Tags: books , hobby

old thoughts from previous entry:

adding new thought:

System - Figure

Event - Form

Got those new thoughts while reading the 1st appendix entry in that book i got about Psychological Types. The "system vs event" from where Jung references the Psychologists Adler [865] and William James [867]; The "forms & figures" from where Jung references some author named Wilhelm Worringer. [874]
Of course, the whole thing is muddled in light of my hobby. The 'system' vs 'event' was supposed to be all about introversion vs extraversion (respectively) and all would be well and good except my hobby confidently slaps both of those words into what i can only construe as the OPPOSITE meaning. Albeit a meaning...which is what i'll have to settle for.
Don't get me wrong. I'd love to agree wholeheartedly with Jung's theories. all of them. He likes to trot out all these long words and it's great! I'd be overjoyed if his whole bent of introversion equals abstract and reason didn't slam face first into the brick wall of my hobby. Why? Well, everything being equal, why can't I be overjoyed 'abstract reason' as a theory describing introverts be true? I just can't buy the concept of a shy and retiring introvert equaling someone who embodies reason and the abstract. By all rights i should unequivocally identify with that, right?

It's just the 'doing' bit that gets me. oh yeah, and the 'masculine' It's just a bit off kilter with shy and retiring...and abstract world of Jung's introversion. I would have been thrilled if the guy actually stopped beating around the bush and linked his intro/extraversion to his thinking/feeling/intuitive/sensation concepts. But, alas, he doesn't. Jung pretty much pidgeonholes it. This inability to reconcile his theories i probably can't blame him for...The guy got books published. What's he gonna do later in life? "yeah, sorry folks. got that wrong. can we just start over again?"
To me, i suspect the whole concept of introversion vs extraversion lies almost perpendicular to reason. pun not intended. And the amazing thing is, Jung's fascination with feeling VS thinking is that to me, it's not really "vs" at all. And...and...to be quite honest, in the light of my hobby, i'm afraid his whole intro/extra thing is a figment of Jung's imagination. To put it another way, intro/extra are just two words Jung uses as labels for concepts that could do better to be placed into his "sensation" and "feeling" functions. But then, he'd have to do something else with his fun little word play of 'Attitude' and 'Function' wouldn't he? Well, we can't have that, can we? Heaven forbid if attitude and function had more to do with introversion and extraversion than simply labels, as though defining something as having nothing to do with something else merely defined that something else and had nothing to do with what ur actually trying to get across. That would just be silly...wouldn't it? *eyes wander up to the very top of this entry* *cough*

Passion

If you really want to get down to it, to me (reading Jung, in the light of my hobby) it seems that the corollary of having introversion linked with sensation and extraversion linked to feeling is that they make a polarity...a "vs"...which is emphatically not what Jung claims. I mean, that would mean that a masculine "thinking" function wouldn't be opposite to a feminine "feeling" function. *looks at reader hard* It would be, instead, that 'Intuition' would take it's proper place as opposite "thinking." Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm...what's all this about 'Being' anyways? If it's not "thinking" but intuition then what is intuition in the light of femininity? For Jung's it's a case of "nothing but"

"What is higher is explained by what is lower and treated for ever as a case of 'nothing but' -- nothing but something else of a quite inferior sort."
~William James [867]

But, alas, you try sitting in a fancy old boy's club and tell your mates over a good stogie that women aren't hysterics by nature.

My hope is that i can glean enough decent quotes from Jung talking about "unity of personality" in contrast or comparison to "discrimination of opposites" that i can actually start talking coherently about the topic of Doing vs Being in a way that doesn't make me look like a complete blathering fool. Which, unfortunately, is what i'd look like if i tried to describe Intuition right now. You see, the problem with reading too much Jung is that i could potentially be talking about Intuition if i kept describing Reason to you long enough that i'd drop a few references without knowing it that would describe Intuition more than Reason...which is the problem with Jung - everything he describes is about Reason, or so he claims. Everything he cannot manifestly describe but simply refer to obliquely, is "feminine"...so finding which bits of his Reason theory matches Intuition will be the order of the day. =)

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Jun. 28th, 2009 @ 03:37 pm hobby - jung

Tags: books , hobby

reading a bit online of jung's typology. and there's a translated quote about function and attitude that seems eerily like the myers-briggs type. Not really interested in that as i am in his usage of function and attitude in combination with his insistence that thinking and feeling cannot exist together because they share the same "nature" but can exist with intuition and sensation because those are different in "purpose"

Experience shows that the secondary function is always one whose nature is different from, though not antagonistic to, the leading function : thus, for example, thinking, as primary function, can readily pair with intuition as auxiliary, or indeed equally well with sensation, but, as already observed, never with feeling. Neither intuition nor sensation are antagonistic to thinking, i.e. they have not to be unconditionally excluded, since they are not, like feeling, of similar nature, though of opposite purpose, to thinking -- for as a judging function feeling successfully competes with thinking -- but are functions of perception, affording welcome assistance to thought. As soon as they reached the same level of differentiation as thinking, they would cause a change of attitude, which would contradict the tendency of thinking. For they would convert the judging attitude into a perceiving one; whereupon the principle of rationality indispensable to thought would be suppressed in favour of the irrationality of mere perception. Hence the auxiliary function is possible and useful only in so far as it serves the leading function, without making any claim to the autonomy of its own principle.
~C.G.Jung

the funny thing is that his terminology of function, purpose, attitude and nature have meaning in and of themselves, to me, that clash violently with Jung's connotation. Heck, even the denotations listed in the dictionary plays havoc with his cubbyhole analytics. Especially since every word he uses as terminology to classify the typology he's describing fits neatly into only two slots in my hobby...which raises at least one eyebrow of mine every time i try to peruse his book on the subject.

The really funny thing is I'm starting to realize that perhaps, just perhaps, a sense of humour is fundamentally part of emotions/feelings/passion to such an extent that to talk about the latter without a hint of the former leads me to question the very nature of such humorless talk - which is one of the reasons i disliked Jung.

The other reason was the dawning horror of realizing Jung considered the 'feminine' to be defined by everything that cannot be classified as good. And good is male and male is good. Unfortunately, it's not like there's a non-sexist point of view in the psychology field that did such a magnificent job of constructing, what to me seems like, a very logical definition of mysticism...an almost pagan feeling to his "collective unconscious" and definitions of thinking, feeling, sensation and intuition that seem almost like "air, water, earth and fire" (albeit, probably not respectively)

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Jun. 25th, 2009 @ 06:13 pm Sense Of Humour

Current Mood:

creative

Tags: epiphany

comedy...is "humour" the counterpart to that conundrum?

i've been wracking my brain for two years now, trying to piece together the other side of the coin, so to speak, about a little epiphany i had about how bullies twist other people into 'averting their eyes' as good little clogs. That 'how' was to take advantage of a very atavistic urge to smirk out of the blue about nothing. We've all done it, i believe, that confused reaction to something we can't define.

What's prevented me from simply reversing the Perception vs 'comedy' paradigm, is that i believed then (and still do) that Passion is the opposite of Perception. To think of Comedy (and it's partner Tragedy) as eclipsing Passion {"emotions";"feelings"} was inconceivable then, so the possibility never occurred to me...although, to be fair, it wasn't like i'd had any epiphanies showing me the visceral reality of what i was trying to imagine to BE the other side of the coin.

Until yesterday, at work, when a coworker asked me why i was "mellow", and her partner (also a young female) added i was usually so ..."spunky." The former's question was because i'd taken affront at a joke she'd made about some spill on the floor in front of my section. What made it even more poignant is that the girl (and they are both still teenagers) did not react the way i've been used to. In my family, the rote reaction to being tongue lashed for no really good reason is to see the other person get cross about "i didn't deserve that and you know it" line, or the "you're grumpy" tack...or the even nastier silent guilt trip.
What happened, that has never happened in my family history (aka what i'm used to and can imagine in moments of stress,) was that the girl continued to follow a line of thought that asked, why and wherefore? and quickly got to the root of the problem and told me the person i was angry at had been yelling at not only coworkers but customers.

What i didn't tell her was that another person was deliberately harrassing me in the "no witnesses, harass; witnesses, act like i'm the harasser" sense. So between the two aggressors my sense of humour was unwittingly dampened...as in, i had an epiphany that it was my humour that WAS the point of this harassment - someone else wanted to destroy my sense of humour, deliberately. For what aim, i can only assume self-aggrandizement and petty entertainment...what else do bullies want? *shrug*

a quick semi-related aside: I've always used the british spelling, and have tried during all my hobby stuff to use the british pronunciation for anything i plug into my numerology codex. British spelling for humour is just that; American is humor. The irony is that 'humor' fits neatly into slot5...where i'd like it to be for this little post to make even more sense to myself...except to do so would entail me to not only conceive that the bloody American spelling and even more...pronunciation...is what i need to change to. *giggles* Oh, i've changed my codex slightly, more than a few times, ever since that day in the mountains oh so long ago (obviously alot more in the beginning than recently.) Alot of things would change if i made that decision for purely aesthetic reasons. 'Comedy' and 'Tragedy' fit neatly already...and who's to say that 'humour' might actually be important in it's own right - not just the context i'm shoehorning it into (aka related directly to emotion and feelings, which both themselves don't plug into slot5 either. only 'Passion' does)

so, yeah, anyways, where was i?

to accept that a "sense of humour" and even more (trans)literally a 'Sense Of Humour' fits neatly into slot5 as the core of Passion in the context of being the dichotomy to Perception/Sensation will take a lot of research, especially into Jungian Typology. For if i can find references in that book (i'll have to buy it today) to a sense of humour in the chapters about "feelings" by Jung...well, all bets are off.

For now though is the question of what is the 'weakness'? obviously, with such a mirror image dichotomy, it's got to do with sensation/perception being corrupted somehow. Is it "Hypersensitivity"? How was i reacting compulsively, yet recognizably as an absolute weakness that i'd be ashamed of, outside of my own control that relates to such? That bears thinking of while i bicycle off to Bolen's Books...or will something like this only occur to me as a waking thought as it did almost exactly two years ago?

EDIT: 8pm So i had to order the book from them (still have enough in my gift certificate from xmas.) Hmmm...so i've been thinking that if the way bullies monopolize sensation and getting their victims to "avert thine eye" is to take advantage of the 'smirk' weakness by pretending to have their sense of privacy wrongly invaded, tacity. The corollary to accepting humour is the true opposite and directly related to passion, is that a bully will attempt to monopolize passion/comedy by getting their victims to lose their sense of humour by way of taking advantage of...of...

...By the bully pretending that they don't understand something, and thus taking offense, and demanding an explanation of something that was truly meant innocently. In a very socratic irony way.

But what is the weakness that they exploit in order to easily get their victim caving into losing one's sense of humour and instead end up explaining the unexplainable?

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Jun. 19th, 2009 @ 12:07 pm Revenge is a dish best served cold

Current Mood:

bouncy

Tags: career , mediation

exactly one year ago i'd posted an entry relating to a job/career i had a really bad experience with. A few days ago I heard from a friend/ex-coworker that the guy who'd fired me got the same a couple months ago. Same guy who thought it relevant to make an outburst that i'd called him a liar the day i was fired, during that mediation.
What i never said during the mediation was that I had a recording of that guy calling my home phone, on my weekend, setting me up to miss talking to the HR director, who was also at said mediation. The one i did turn up for.
heh. He'd told me "six of one, half dozen of the other" as reasons enough to fire me. right back atcha, buddy. roflmao.

I wonder if that HR director suspected he'd also been setup by him. If that was one of the reasons that guy was fired recently, then (and only then) would i know that HR director really was sincere.

My friend hoped i'd complained about that guy's girlfriend as well...I told him my appeal papers pretty much spelled it out, especially since it was accepted. She's also a manager there. But, meh, done is done and i certainly never held anyone's hand there (which is exactly the feeling i got about the place that stunk)

it's like that they want you to hold their hand...and it's not a good feeling anywhere in that statement...dunno how else to explain it.

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Apr. 27th, 2009 @ 12:29 pm zomg cool warranty exchange at future shop

Current Mood:

chipper

Tags: shopping

returned my soyo 24" and things weren't looking too great, since they claim they don't have a 1yr warranty for the store...but the computer popped up an "OCD" on the item and the girl, who probably was impressed by my polite demeanor and best sunday clothes, wandered over and they plucked out the best 24" monitor they had...
LG monitor

taaaa daaaa. hehe

and i walked by my work to grab a glass of water (hot out) and probably bugged the eyes out of the waitresses. tee hee. especially a pretty one that talked to me last night, after work.

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Apr. 25th, 2009 @ 10:16 pm got a full nights sleep. yeah! but then my computer monitor burnt out! booo

Current Mood:

accomplished

Tags: lifestyle , shopping

awww yeah, finally broke the insomnia thing. But, unfortunately my 24" sony monitor just packed up and zapped itself with no warning. just under a year ago i'd bought it too. booo. Time to see how future shop handles a warranty exchange (i has boxes, receipt and wires)

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Apr. 23rd, 2009 @ 11:18 am shortest work day in history. lawlz

Current Mood:

amused

Tags: career , funny

wow, so i get called in to work at some construction site, which i'd heard unsafe things about from the crew before, and i get sent off unsupervised to deal with jackhammered cement in one room of a suite. My coworker delays his break to help me finish the job. Now, he heads off to the site office to grab his stuff and i follow. About 5 minutes later (probably not even) i see the site supervisor halfway across the site and head over there to say the job's done and suddenly the guy freaks out on me. apparently, he's caught me in the act of slacking off (i'd only been working an hour + he sees my coworker taking a break)

soo....yeah....wierdo. I knew i'd seen him on another site. Remembered him beaking off at others some time in the past. Anyways, i get kicked off the site for being a slacker. lawlz. The dude even complains i shoulda done site cleanup, not knowing what else to do. ....right. on that site? bloody mess. unsafe and gawd i didn't know where anything was...

so, yeah...bizarre. kinda wished i'd gotten more than $10 today, but hey, shit happens.
(a) i coulda done site cleanup on a disaster zone with no idea where anything was supposed to go or even if it was supposed to go. lol
(b) i coulda gotten lost looking for the supervisor, who did a DAMNED good job of doing fuck all but running around beaking off at people. lol.
(c) i coulda gone to the site office and stuck around till i saw the supervisor. ooooo good idea! lol
(d) i coulda dicked around doing mickey mouse shit, alone unsupervised on an unsafe construction site, which was probably worse than...
(e) i coulda taken an early break alone, somewhere FAR away from the site office and gotten approached BY the supervisor...with my job not done yet! sweet! score! lol

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Jan. 31st, 2009 @ 07:00 am surprise

Current Mood:

creative

Tags: epiphany

gods, i've been trying like hell to figure out what the fuck is the weakness opposite the comedy/tragedy foible. In the past i've tried to puzzle away at romance and wondered if i'd ever pierce the mystery. I mean, i'd figured out that the weakness that i'd feel when my senses dulled in the face of bullies (aka. avert my eyes, etc) was 'comedic'...as though there was something funny but i didn't quite understand what, at the instant i'd get the impulse to dull my sensation. The strength those bullies sought to monopolize for themselves was obvious: sensation/perception.

course, trying to determine what the strength and weakness of the impulse to dull ones passion/"feelings" had eluded me thus far. I'm pretty thrilled because i think i've got it: Surprise. That's the opposite weakness that i feel a compulsion to enact whenever an impulse to avoid feelings...Except now comes the conundrum of figuring out how to strengthen my "feeling" side. The sensation was easy - just pay more attention to one's surroundings. Feelings? wtf?

The bonus here is that i get a really concrete personal connection to 'romance'...or at least the opposite of the 'comedy/tragedy'. To me it's the rebirth archetype as opposed to the "trickster" archetype. Get a bit more depth to another archetype.

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Jan. 3rd, 2009 @ 08:25 pm my idea of xmas presents

Current Location: Leona's

Tags: books

my wishlist for xmas was simply gift certificates. yes, i'm selfish...i disallow relatives who love me to enjoy the hours spent picking a certain gift that think i'd like to have. aren't i a stinker? teehee
Anyways, i just spent a few hours browsing bolen books and walked away with a 100 bucks worth of books.

joseph campbell's The hero with a thousand faces - yup, never read it yet. but heard of it and i'm sure read quotations from it
patricia evans' Controlling People - how to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you...not exactly "how to win friends and influence people"
Jamie Whyte's Crimes Against Logic - exposing the bogus arguments of politicians, priests, jouranlists, and other serial offenders...hopefully, the sole book about logical fallacies might be a worthy read on the trail of the troll and how to slay them efficiently
Laurell K. Hamilton's A Kiss of Shadows - erotic fiction that i simply had to buy eventually, even though i've never actually bought more than one book from her (micah)
R.A.Salvatore's Homeland - the first in the Drizzt series, which i hope i'll like. it's all about D&D dark elves
Stephen Hunter's Point of Impact - Last night a bunch of internet 'friends' were saying they hated the movie "shooter" by saying it didn't 'flow' but that the book was great...akin to how "battlefield earth" was a great book but lousy film.

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Dec. 30th, 2008 @ 03:04 am Dream - leopard, not ocelot

Tags: dreams

well, it was a weird one. had a pair of leopards appear while i was in a tree behind a large house. it was daylight, if i recall correctly. One of the large cats decided to go after me (being able to climb trees easily) and it was a wonder i not only survived but scared it off by trying to 'target lock' it by "identifying" (??) the cat and i swear i even had an icon of an "i" with a circle around it - i'd just been playing a RTS game before bed, "dawn of war" so that probably had an effect. lol

So the cats left and i got down while two horses entered the scene. they swore they'd not seen any cats lately, and while i was chatting with them (i'd been conversing with the cats too, earlier. eeps) i managed not only to unhinge the outside staircase to the house, i also had something in writing from the horses ...haha... about the names of the two cats who'd appeared earlier ["zee" and "aaa"]. I didn't think it was THAT strange because the female horses had, by then, morphed into human form.

The weird thing was, and the reason i woke up, was that the white horse woman looked strangely ...undead???

pondered that during work yesterday, and figured definitely this dream and the one i had the 16th of june were related. (here, here, here and here)

I'd gone to triple spiral and the woman who runs the place commented about my dream - firstly pointing out i might have dreamt of an ocelot (this was summer when i spoke to her) and said that is seems "you're solving your problem without ferocity"

Now? i definitely know the leopards are me attempting to personify my numerology as a whole (the wildness of it) versus the 'tame' horsey version of reality that seems almost as if civilization is undead...not to mention my totem's gotta be leopard (not panther as i once hoped)

seems sort of silly that i believe my totem is a powerful predator. cougar, leopard, panther, et al

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Dec. 24th, 2008 @ 01:07 pm strategy

Tags: hobby

it's difficult to define 'strategy' as "the why of an objective, or the spin of some stance someone's taken, or the discipline it takes to maintain talking points"...i fear that by defining 'strategy' as the "why" of something and the "spin" also, that i'm painting myself into a corner using words that don't belong -- that i might be describing another aspect/slot paradigm that doesn't belong with 'strategy' at all (ending up merely confusing myself with mistakes)

why and spin have very strong denotations in and of themselves. To say that 'strategy' and thus slot 4 is where "why" and "spin" actually belong is a pretty tenuous thing to do. Sure, alot of words in the english language can't possibly work in my numerology system -- like colours and directions and a whole host of things too visceral to be more than nomenclature -- except 'why' is a pretty heavy word to claim is a mere nomen fit to be placed arbitrarily in slot4 when my own system would place it in slot7; 'spin' would be slot6.

perhaps it is best to explain that i believe the absolute denotation of 'why' as slot7 would be a 'question' - whereas to place it into slot4 as a connotation of 'strategy' turns "why" into a mere nomen that i can place into a sentence to flesh out what the absolute denotation of 'strategy' is.

I've begun to suspect that 'strategy' vs 'tactics' isn't about macro vs micro, etc etc etc...But that 'strategy' is simply the 'why' of an objective (the understanding of a position and the discipline to hold to the talking points of a spin in the face of opposition/debate/et al.) Thus leaving 'tactics' to be the carrying out of an objective's aims (micro and macro)

A rather bold claim, and one i hope won't be yet another mistake.

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Dec. 21st, 2008 @ 02:22 pm The Corporation - documentary

Tags: movies

interesting documentary, although there were a couple of spots where the arguments from pro-corporate speakers didn't get any counter-argument at all...which upset me because i've heard those arguments about ("we came into a poor country and rescued them") capitalism and tough love too many times without a decent counter-argument. Which simply meant that i got excited about hearing that counter-argument, but was upset when they simply shifted to a completely different chapter instead.

*shrug*

but, still, it was a good documentary that mostly overwhelmed the lies of the spindoctoring with hard facts...the theme of the movie, i think, was about how we should reverse the ruling that corporations are legal persons. Which, ironically, was created during the civil war and the law to free the slaves.

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Nov. 7th, 2008 @ 11:56 pm facebook, eh?

Current Mood:

shocked

Tags: internet

wow, well, i just found out today that facebook's privacy settings were opened up a while ago (silly me) and anyone can see the friends of someone without having to own an account or even be their friend first. scary.

so, yeah, sorted.

for anyone still clueless go here and unclick the "friends list" https://register.facebook.com/privacy/?view=search

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Nov. 7th, 2008 @ 01:24 pm job hunting

Current Mood:

busy

Tags: career

well then, now that i've slept in i actually have some time to screw about on the net looking for work. i wonder what the classifieds has today? I'm looking because the construction/labour temp agency market really really slows down in the winter and my rent is like 625 a month (and i keep forgetting about food in my budget so eeeps)

The way it'll work is that i gotta get a job by this weekend or else i gotta buckle down and skimp on stuff till i'm sure i can pay rent at the end of this month through temp work (paycheque every two weeks might mean i don't get the cash till after rent is due)

hairstylists, retail clerks and nannies! wooo hooo...is it just me or has classified ads really been dumbed down? i remember emails being de rigour. now? fax or phone. besides, not like they have to train me much about the basics, and i don't have to worry about making a life with them.

I could very well work as a dishwasher again, cuz there's like half a dozen in the first few pages, and since i'd go back to temp work in the spring i've got no compunctions about not being that loyal to them past march.

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Nov. 7th, 2008 @ 10:39 am Dreams - For want of a better word

Current Mood:

confused

Tags: dreams , hobby , philosophy , stream of consciousness

motif: roads, intersections, cars, homeless 'courage', pithy advice with self-contradictory qualifications

very strange dream about me wandering about doing errands along sidewalks during busy traffic times, of not quite getting there. Kind of hard to piece together the chronology of the dream, although i do remember sleeping directly on the road and getting the feeling i wasn't doing anything wrong...possibly even being respected...yet as soon as i'd gotten up off the road to sleep on the grass traffic went by.

the dream progressed rapidly to a conclusion as some slavic looking dude in a (library?) was explaining 'honour' as if it was blind faith, although the many qualifications this 'wise man' was giving 'honour' led me to believe he didn't know wtf he was talking about

Only reason i think this dream is important is because i slept in past my alarm clock for work. Doing stuff like that usually gets my attention long enough to notice a dream i would have probably forgotten about otherwise.
Thinking about the dream it became clear to me that blind LUCK played more part in people's respect for 'homeless' peoples' world view...and what that meant for society at large when blind respect for pure stupid luck has more emotional pull for people than the desire to really wonder what the 'blind' in 'faith' is. horror vacuii
The ironic thing was that the word "respect" was never used openly in the dream...'honour' and 'wisdom' yes...and very much faith/belief in the 'blind' sense.
My current thoughts revolve around one thing: When people say "blind faith" what is it that represents the 'blind' in life as opposed to 'faith'? Why is it that people see the adjective as meaning only an incorrect way of being instead of a clue to a completely different aspect of life?

Today i changed the wording of my journal's subtitle to "For want of a better word" from it's earlier "Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose"...What is that word i'm looking for? What is the opposite (but not immature) of 'faith' but 'ethic'? Is not the illusion of 'duty/courage/faith' what brings men to pure evil? Is the adjective 'blind' more important than the word 'faith'? Is 'faith' truly blind in the metaphysical sense...or is it just for want of a better word?
what is that word that is the opposite of 'ethic' that promotes by it's very existence a state of "blind faith"? A word that is lockstep with belief/faith yet wars with 'ethic/morality/law'?

The dream says to me that this concept is so blind as to see pure luck as validation of a false sense of infallibility...and very much related to my problems with authority (either part of the solution or part of the problem, i do not know which)

although my refusal to lay down my ethics in order to keep my job from being threatened by foolishness, i suspect, isn't foolishness on my part...except, well, it's not like i know WHERE to lead the blind, do i?

So, okay, i got a thesaurus and google and quoteland, what's this missing word so i don't go for want?

faith
/feɪθ/ [feyth]
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

alright, plug that into my hobby and i get

Faith/Fidelity

vowels long o&u (along with Oo,Or&Oi); consonants m&n

Kinda get the feeling I have a jaundiced view of dictionaries? damned straight! It's like the guy in my dream spouting juxtapositions and expecting me to swallow his idea of being 'wise' and 'honorable' all at the same time, and a bag of chips! Either that or i'm crazy for wasting my time on gibberish, but hey!

Yet, passing this off as just a means to an end, like saying that religion (ipso facto) is based on the idea that god exists because the irrational cannot be proven, Q.E.D...is well, insufficient in my books especially when 'reason'/'rationality' is unequivocally right at the heart of 'belief'
so...yeah, "for want of a better word" i must not rely on if i'm to root out this conundrum of mine.

maybe i'd better get a quote on that god stuff before i go further...except that founders on bewilderment because google has wayyyy too many blogs listed at the top of a search for "god" "irrational" "proof" "belief" which seem to focus entirely on castrating an Ontological (aka platonic) view of the concept of god. *Muffy goes off to find an expert opinion* As far as philosophy is concerned, "ontological approaches" to God is purely a moot debate between Platonicism vs Empiricism (both highly hypocritical which simply begs the question)

what defines 'rationality'/'reason'? how can one define observation/perception and everything "scientific" as "rational"? is it not simply "science" without rational sophistry? What is sophistry? isn't it the heart of 'reason'? is not the ability to completely bullshit someone 'rationality' in it's lowest sense? Is not the belief in god 'rationality' in it's highest sense? If so, doesn't that invalidate the "Ontological approach" a priori? course it does, and the follow up is, why is the not obvious to the hypocrites?...and that's a very good question indeed insofar as my dream is concerned and it's certainly not a "philosophical question" to wonder why the philosophers (and that dream guru) are so transparently hypocritical when it comes to 'rationality'

okay, so i'm turning to a source i trust, Jung. (even though his belief system isn't something i have much faith in...i just have enough faith in him, which is more than i can say for the others) Jung's fault was that he really never came out and said it that 'reason' equated with antithesis of science: We accept as valid anything that comes from inside and cannot be verified. He spent all this time talking about 'reason' and "thinking" being a source of 'rationality' vs the 'sensation'/'perception'/'observation' (and even 'intuition') as being "irrational"
Jung pretty much pussyfooted around the thesis that science is itself irrational, BUT based on fact. Instead, what he did say was pretty much that anything that is male is good and anything good is male - and anything else is horror vacuii and impossible to formulate any words for at all) - as though "for want of a better word" will be forever hung like an albatross on the feminine. period
If i can ignore, and i beseech the reader to as well, Jung's cloying sexism, then one thing is clear: Belief is Reason, yet reason is not related to anything but blindness and certainly not empiricism; Yet, empiricism cannot don the mantle of reason in return.
'Faith' may be blind, but it is certainly not 'Mercenary.'...and those who choose to don the mantle of rationality whenever they speak of ontological arguments and science shy from thoughts that E=MC² created the atomic bomb - which isn't exactly the Archangel Gabriel, is it?

Anyways, enough digression. That word i seek is still to be sought and it's 3 hours since i woke up.

alright, so where's the missing link? Looking back for my last entries on moral/ethic stuff is an entry about peer pressure.

Peer pressure is a term describing the pressure exerted by a peer group in encouraging a person to change their attitude, behavior and/or morals, to conform to, for example, the group's actions, fashion sense, taste in music and television, or outlook on life.

The previous entry, to that, on august 1st was part3of4 talking about the inherent chaos in order...Jung's "trickster" archetype.

...

Is the trickster motif one not only of chaos in order to remind us of our fallibility, but also one of the order of chaos that somehow fools itself into believing it's infallible? could very well be. could very well be. Except the words used in that previous entry on chaos hold no common epistemological ground with "faith" or "belief"
Except, i simply can't denigrate an aspect of my hobby into meaningless chaos for the sake of chaos. that would throw the baby out with the bathwater...yet, the purpose of this entry is specifically TO look for the word that best describes "blind faith" so i might as well bite the bullet and elucidate this 'order of chaos' a bit more without going mad and preaching Cthulhu mantras.

***
At this point i'd like to point out something extremely interesting on a personal note: my last entry about dreams was titled "peers", although i can't make head nor tails of what that entry has to do with this one (and visa versa)
***

so the 'blind' concept definitely is being cleared up when i think about Jung's "trickster" archetype, although my current thinking is quite radically different than my earlier thoughts. Perhaps the word i'm looking for is 'Order'? as though 'order' is the illusion of such in chaos theory.
hmmmmmmmmmm...chaos theory. eeeps. lol I've always looked to the randomness in nature being it's very strength, yet 'random' and 'chaos' and 'chance' are solidly NOT empirical sense datum in my hobby, so that's a trap i need to beware of.

Faith/Fidelity; Maya/Illusion

Order

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Muffy The Troll Slayer

For want of a better word

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